Absolution
by theswisswereright
Summary: Forgiveness is never real when your heart has been broken. LaviYu. Warning: shonen ai, angst, songfic. "Hush" by Automatic Loveletter. I own neither D. Gray-man nor the song. First fic. Reviews welcome.


Absolution

_this is…as quiet…as it gets_

_hush down now_

_go to sleep_

He couldn't sleep.

As much as he wanted to, his eyes would not close.

Because every time he closed them, HE drifted up from Kanda's memory.

And Kanda's thoughts began to slide, back to the time before the silence, when another heart beat with his own.

Yu Kanda was never one for feeling.

In fact, he had never had any.

But now, things were different.

He never expected his one feeling to be love.

_we were once perfect_

_me and you_

The stupid rabbit had captured his heart completely.

Lavi made Kanda happier than anything ever had.

Because nothing ever had.

And one day, the infallible Kanda realized that he would die for Lavi.

He realized he was in love.

Lavi had seemed, for all purposes, to feel the same way.

The way he showed up at Kanda's door every morning to walk to the cafeteria together.

The way he held Kanda's hand under the table and started thumb wars just so they could touch in some way.

When they slept together and Lavi wiggled, trying to get closer than he already was, trying to make a way through negative distance.

These were the things Kanda saw when he closed his eyes.

_we'll never leave this room_

It was Kanda who made the fatal mistake.

It was one of their many nights together, the ones where movement and sound and shadow faded into nothing to give way to a silent, aching need.

But there was never real silence.

Kanda could always hear Lavi's heartbeat, just a step ahead of his own.

He looked down at their entwined hands.

He looked up at Lavi's face, bright and terrifying, gripped with a feeling no one could explain.

He looked at the everpresent locked door.

And he said it. Said it in a fearful whisper, the fear that came with the truth.

"**I love you."**

Lavi was silent.

When he was done, Lavi got dressed and turned to walk away. The only words he spoke were

"I can't."

Kanda understood. He couldn't love him back.

This affair- because that was what it was- was never meant to leave the silence of his room.

_Hush, you're coloring my eyes red_

_Your love's not live, it's dead_

Kanda had never cried.

But he did now, eyes turning crimson as it went on and on and on into the night.

When he woke up, the sun hurt his eyes.

There was no explanation for what he did next.

Yu Kanda wrote a letter.

Or tried.

Dear

No. That wasn't what Lavi wanted to be to him.

Lavi,

Last night, when I said what I did, I was lyi

I know you don't love me but I

If you want to just be friends with benefits

I don't know why

I miss you

Nothing conveyed the way he felt.

Nothing was what he should have felt.

_This letter's written itself inside out again_

_When rivers turn to roads_

_and lovers become trends_

_Hush, this is where it ends_

This was where it had ended. Right here, in this room.

Kanda sat on his bed for what could have been hours, minutes, or days.

He waited for something to tell him it was all a dream.

But he knew he was awake.

Knew it so well it burned.

_This is the calming before the storm_

A knock sounded at the door. Kanda knew it was unlocked, the way Lavi left it.

He did not move.

A few knocks later, the door opened.

It was Lavi, the source of his infinite suffering.

The redhead walked toward Kanda and placed a hand on his arm.

"Wow, you're not looking too good."

The old Kanda would have replied with a "_No shit, Sherlock."_

But this Kanda was broken.

He didn't move a muscle.

Lavi shifted nervously and sat down beside Kanda.

"Look…I had to say what I said. We can't do this anymore. Not if you meant what you said. I can't have that. You don't need this tying you down. But Yu…

I'm sorry."

Kanda looked at Lavi over his shoulder and stared with dead eyes. "You're forgiven."

Lavi walked out of the room without a backwards glance, the vibrations of the mattress rocking Kanda to his core.

_This absolution is always incomplete_

_Is always bittersweet_

Kanda could never truly forgive him.

He was the only person Kanda had ever felt for.

And now it was over.

Kanda closed his eyes and replayed it all, not surprised by the tears that fell for the second time in his life.

_Hush, you're coloring my eyes red_

_Your love's not live, it's dead_

_When rivers turn to roads and lovers become trends_

_Hush, this is where it ends_

When his eyes opened, the clock on the wall told him it was three a.m.

He knew he was stupid and foolish, but he had to see Lavi one more time.

_I won't make a sound so you don't wake_

He crept soundlessly down the hall to the room where the future Bookman slept.

The door fell open without so much as a creak.

But Lavi was awake.

"Yu…I…love you too…" he said in sobs, arms wrapped around a pillow much too tight.

Kanda lightly stepped over to Lavi where he lay and traced his jawline with his index finger.

Lavi shot up and looked at Kanda through red eyes.

"Then we'll make this up as we go along," Kanda replied.

"You know this won't last."

"I don't care. I have you now." And with that, Kanda leaned over and kissed away Lavi's tears, kissed him gently and roughly and sloppily and all the adverbs in between.

And there they fell asleep, in each other's arms.

_Hush, you're coloring my eyes red_

_Your love's not live, it's dead_

_When rivers turn to roads and lovers become trends_

_Hush, this is where it ends_

It was true.

What they had was dead.

The lie they lived was over.

And now they would live like they didn't have any longer, because when the place of the end came along, neither one wanted to have any regrets.

Kanda loved Lavi.

Lavi loved Kanda.

And that was where the attempts to describe them ended.


End file.
